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A letter to my devious ex

29 May 2014, 10:53Hanli Booysen

Abuja - He left for work that morning, & as I lied and pretend also to be off to work. I waited till he left and returned home.

That day I swore that even if I had to live on the street ... he was going to be out of my life! I packed up and left, he knew I was leaving but not that day. When he returned home I was gone.

That will be 6 months ago. Was it hard to rebuild my life? Was it easy for me to go and get a protection order?

Can I ever trust anyone to come that close to me again? Do I feel guilty? These are the questions I get asked and ask myself.

It was the hardest thing of my life to do, to hide a pregnancy because you are too scared to tell him, I sat in the corridor at court for nearly two hours before I had the courage to go in and request the protection order.

I feel guilty for putting us both through this. When I see him in court my heart breaks in a thousand little pieces but I can’t let that show.

The face I once loved. The same face that was once loving. I had never been in an abusive relationship before him.

I was "one of those people" who would question why women stay in such relationships. Then it happened to me.

We all think it’s never going to happen to us and when it does we fall apart.  Domestic violence lurks everywhere.

The world of abusive relationships are deeply rooted in today’s society and is readily expected as the norm.

If you’re experiencing an abusive relationship or have experienced one at some point in your life, you’d understand the helplessness of the situation.

You feel isolated and all alone, and no one seems to understand the quicksand you’re stuck in. But you need to understand something here. You aren’t alone.

There are people around you who are experiencing an abusive relationship right now. Together we can find healing.

Abusive relationships don’t always come in the form of a black eye or a busted lip. And it isn’t always a boyfriend or a spouse who traumatizes you with abuse.

You could experience some form of abuse from your siblings, parents, kids, your coworkers, your boss or just about anyone else you interact with.

My moment of clarity came when I was on the floor once again cleaning up after another fight.

You’d think you’re in a perfect relationship and look forward to your happily ever after, until the world comes crashing down on you as you watch helplessly where your lying on the floor with glass shattered around you.

I asked myself over, and over again how did things get so bad! Sadly, I now know why! It doesn't happen all at one time. You meet, fall in love, things are great.

One day he gets a little pissed at something and YELLS...ok, no big deal everyone gets pissed. He apologizes, you forgive.

He seems to be "the most wonderful" man you've ever met. The next time he gets "pissed" maybe he pushes you, then the next he spits at you, maybe he breaks things, or he gets right in your face & yells so loud that your teeth almost shatter.

This may happen over a period of months...or maybe even a couple of years. Then one time he decides he's so pissed he's going to grab you by the neck, & throw you across the kitchen. Do you think he's sorry? Do you think he ever was sorry?  

The telltale signs you need to know now it’s time to pack your bags and go!

1. A big disappointment. Your always treated you like you’re a big disappointment. They always pick flaws with what you do.

You try so hard to please them by bending over backwards, because you don’t want to upset them. And most importantly, you crave for their acknowledgement and compliments more than anything else!

2. The embarrassment. He embarrasses and insults you in public for the smallest of reasons.

3. Verbal abuses. Does he abuse you verbally using foul language every now and then? It doesn’t matter what the reason is, but if your partner uses bad language, you need to give this a very serious thought.

4. The first hit. The sad world of abusive relationships is the first physical outburst. Has your partner ever hit you at least once in the heat of the moment?

5. Making up after the fight. He will try to win you back with sweet words and eternal promises afterword’s

On the other hand, a few abusive partners may give you the silent treatment and sulk in a corner and pretend like the fight was entirely your fault. This was my reality.

I would be ignored for days and weeks. I tried everything to make him see how sorry I was for making him angry. Either way, you end up feeling sorry for them and try to cheer them up.
 The controlling partner. At the beginning, your partner may try to behave like they’re involved in your life.

But very soon, you’d start to see that you’re being completely controlled by your partner. And eventually, you’d lose all your friends and you’d be all alone and completely dependent on him, which is just what he wants. The dominant abuser.

He is dominating and always wants things his way. They never give in to your wishes, and even if they do, they may sulk or argue with you until you give in to their bidding.

Blowing hot and cold. Being unpredictable in their behavior and their moods change from happy to angry in a flash for no apparent reason.

And this unpredictable bipolar behavior is almost always directed only towards you, not at their friends or their boss. I had all of these rolled up in one. It nearly killed me. I was constantly on anti-anxiety medication jut to get through the day.

If you are reading this & your relationship in ANY way resembles some of this...chances are high that you're in an abusive relationship! It won't get any better.

Not by getting married, not by having kids, not by him buying you flowers or gifts. No matter what he says, he WILL do it again! It’s not your faults most all.  

After I left him whenever I would start to think of how "wonderful" he was at one time, and I admit I miss him at times but then I would look at my sonogram of our child and I remembered why I left.

Today I looked at my sonogram again it now reminds me of how far I've come since then, it reminds me of what I will NEVER put up with again!

Maybe there's someone here who needs to read this and realize it’s time to let go. He’s put you down, physically abused you, emotionally abused you, made it so you had no one, you trust no one, no friends, made you totally dependent on me, and then threw it in your face, he blames you and it was you who drove him crazy with your mood swings, his jealousy, his insecurities, his possessiveness,

You can’t sleep at night, you cry all the time, you’re nervous, anxious, depressed, you gave up hope, felt like you wanted to die, didn't believe in anyone or anything,

Why the hell can't I or you get over it? Even month’s afterword’s I’m still not over it. Is it because of seeing him at court or secretly hoping things will change and he will apologies and really mean it this time? In the end the what if’s will drive you crazy.  

Here are four steps you need to use to get the strength to believe in yourself again, and build the courage to face your abusive partner:

1. You don’t need this person. Stop convincing yourself that you do

2. Take back control of your life.

3. Get help.

4. Find your own happiness. For a very long time, you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be genuinely happy without having to worry

Try to find happiness by staying around people who care for you, and who want you to be happy.

Over time, you’ll look back at the abusive relationship and wonder what took you so long to walk away!

Nip it in the bud.

This is something everyone needs to know. Address abusive behavior as soon as you sense it in your relationship. Your first reaction to abuse makes all the difference.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

And lastly, remember this, you are not responsible for an abusive lover’s actions, nor can you change an abusive partner.

Some people can’t change, and the safest bet you can take is walking away and never look back. No matter how they beg and plead with you. At the end of the day they won’t change and the promise will be empty.

If they act like they don’t care if you left or stayed. Just know that it’s him that tonight while he is laying on his bed, all alone he will think of you and what’s going to happen if you made the brave choice of laying charges.

He might act as if you’re the “crazy person” to all his friend and new girlfriend.  You’re not at fault here!!!

When you do see the signs, walk away. After all, no good can come from an abusive partner.

- Women24

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