“I feel like I want to tell them to relax, because it’s only their first wedding”.
He came up with this piece of wisdom over a glass of wine, one lazy evening. At first I thought it was just the normal, post-divorce cynicism that got hold of him, but the more I thought of it, the more I realised how right he is.
Do not tell him I said that. I will lose the upper hand immediately.
The two of us are both in our early thirties, both survived traumatic divorces, both have two kids. Safe to say we have a similarity of experience that makes being with each other very comfortable and familiar, without being boring. It’s nice not to have to explain the ex-dynamic every single time, he just gets it.
So given this background, his comment made me think: We’re in the throes of silly/wedding season. My timeline is flooded with weddings everywhere. I can’t help to think how much a little perspective from someone from the other side of the fence would have helped me, back in the day.
There is no 10 point plan to avoid a divorce, but here are a few pointers to keep your head on when planning this illustrious, white wedding of yours:
1. The cracks in your relationship that were there before the wedding, will be there after the wedding. Putting a veil on it won’t fix it, but hard work will. Put in the work before you put on the show.
2. Do not get married for the wrong reasons. It’s a killer. Societal pressure after a relationship has run a few years is no reason to do it. We were talking about the right reason to do it, and we haven’t come up with one yet, but watch this space. We feel like we’re close to a breakthrough.
3. Sometimes it’s wise to talk to friends who have divorced, but choose your company wisely. Bitter people don’t make great oracles.
So bottom line is that it might be wise to relax a bit, to rethink your relationship before taking the big step, and to generally chill out with the huge, showy weddings. Going back to basics is not a bad idea.