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Hot sweaty sex is on the decline in South Africa and it’s not surprising. We live in a crazy country, we’re all stressed and it’s hard to find time to eat a sandwich let alone have a full on sizzling affair.
Sometimes you just have to grab an hour or two when you can find it. But even those hours have become tricky.
Dinner and sex? Always a great idea, even without the dinner. But as a single mom, I have to make sure the kids are definitely going to be at their dad.
And not come home for a forgotten maths book. Or just because they feel like coming home. It would be awkward to say the least if I was in an exciting clinch on the couch when my fifteen year old walked in.
Two screams, resulting in death.
And it isn’t just the kids. My dogs do not take kindly to men; any men. They bark like crazy and I gotta do everything I can to distract them.
I spend a fortune on treats and bones but even so, when we go to the bedroom they just sit outside the door and cry. It’s not very sexy.
In fact, it’s just too hard having sex at my house so we have to have it at his. But then he also has kids so we can only do it when they’re at his ex wife.
And I have to drive to him which means risking my life on the streets. Then parking my car in the street and chance it getting stolen. Plus the money I spend on anti-histamines; I’m hugely allergic to his cats.
It’s just not worth it. Also, I hate his cats.
A quickie mid-morning? Ooh, great idea. No chance of kids coming home from school. It’s quiet and the dogs are asleep from barking all night. But as your partner is about to de-robe you, the doorbell goes.
First a broomseller. Then a hungry homeless guy who just wants anything you can give, please Madam. Then the man with a long sob story about getting his pregnant wife to the hospital.
Intimacy flies out the window.
And then there are the sounds. I love putting on a bit of classical music although lately I’ve turned to rock and roll. I find it drowns out the neighbourhood alarms, police sirens and the odd gun shots.
None of which are a huge turn on.
Having sex in a hotel is too expensive, sex in the back of a car is only cool when you’re below a certain age and anyway, we have to worry about car guards, and movie theatres are just too damn uncomfortable.
Also, not so sexy when there are three other couples who have had the same idea and are panting in close proximity.
So how can we get inventive? Ask our neighbours to field the doorbell and unexpected visitors? Not my neighbours, they are too busy trying to have sex themselves.
Move to another country? But then we’d be too stressed to even think about sex. Virtual sex, hmmmm, I think I could have hit on something here.
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