One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to sex and pleasure,
says Dorothy Black.
Once, when a whirlwind romance came to an end on account of
my lover leaving the country for good, Miss America comforted me with some cold
facts: "He was a rat, good riddance" and "all you have to do now
is prepare for the love drug withdrawals".
The love drug withdrawals. After months of regular intimacy,
my body was used to its daily dose of happy love chemicals: oxytocin and
Look, I don’t know if a ‘love drug’ withdrawal is science or
anything, but I do know that my body follows some pretty basic scripts when it
isn’t having its needs met.
For example: I don’t eat, I get hungry; I don’t drink
coffee, I get thirsty; I don’t look at baby animals on IG, I get sad; I don’t
get naked love cuddles, I get cranky. In Dot Land, it’s just basic biology.
I’m starting to wonder if that "crankiness" is
simply my physical and emotional body needing its next hit of the love drug.
And for me, in a long-term relationship, the longest I seem happily capable of
going is four days.
Depending where I am in my cycle. Oh, and the key phrase
here is "happily", of course.
Also read: Woman dies during sex romp with lover who drank 'man power'
Knowing how long you can happily go before needing your
top-up dose of deliciousness is helpful, because everyone is different.
Especially if you’re an every four days type and your honey is more an every
two days type.
These differences are why I don’t buy the "happy
couples have sex 2 to 3 times a week" business. Life and hormones just
aren’t that robotic.
How much sex is enough is how much is enough for you; and
enough is the amount that fills your love tanks and satiates you physically and
Maybe it’s worthwhile pointing out that when I talk about
‘sex’, I’m talking about pleasure and naked love cuddles. Sex isn’t about
getting stuck at Penetration Station.
I think that this assumption sometimes gets in the way of
getting naked for some women.
Sometimes you just don’t want that physical boundary
crossed, you know? Then again, I think many guys only know how to express a
need for emotional and physical intimacy through sex as penetration and orgasm.
So you see how it can become a real problem when you need
that physical connection – your dose of love drug – but only equate sex with
the penetration you might not want.
The nuts and bolts, then, in the answer to "how much
sex is enough for me?" is how you and your partner talk about what you both
need to feel intimately connected. And there’s a wild array of ways to get your
rocks off – oral, mutual/solo manual stim, touch and massage, toys, cuddles and
kissing … and, yes, penetration.
Oh, and this doesn’t include all the daily bonding touches,
by the way, but then again I’m a very touchy-feely type.
So. How much sex is enough? Well, as much
sex/pleasure/love/naked cuddles that is enough for YOU.For
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