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How to break up with a psycho that won't just let go

29 September 2016, 13:26

Dear Columnist

Sir, recently I met and fell in love with a girl but now find that she is not the woman for me. She is excessively jealous and violent. In just one week she has broken both my phone and my nose because she found some messages in my inbox she did not like. After that I proposed  that we should break up but instead she threw me to the ground and sat on my chest, then said that since I have used her I have to marry her. Please help me break up with this psycho.

(Distraught Man)

Dear Distraught Man,

It is a good thing you have made up your mind to leave this early on in the relationship. The longer you stay with a partner who is willing to resort to violence to keep you the harder, and riskier it becomes to leave. The methods I am going to propose here are nothing short of radical and unsavory, but so is her approach. This is not the time to be squeamish.

It was rather reckless to fall for a woman obviously stronger, and crazier than you, but then here we are. What’s to be done?

I have a couple of ideas.

1.      Disappear.

Just fall through one of the portals of the universe into another dimension, if you can. Vanish for an extended period of time. If you can, fake your death. Cut all connection with her and her associates. Move your house and find another job. Once she has found someone else to terrorize you can resurface.

2.      Make Her Break Up With You.

It may be impossible to overhaul your whole life just to get rid of her. Easier is to make yourself so intolerable to her that she has no option but to drop you like a hot potato. These tips should help you lose her in a couple of months. Then you can find me and thank me in person.

a.       Break down communication

Be disinterested in anything she has to say. Wait impatiently as she talks and jump in as soon as she stops to talk about yourself. Always try to prove her wrong. Be unwilling and evasive when discussing the relationship.

b.      Be needy and jealous.

Complain about how you don’t get enough of her time, how she prefers her job and friends to you. Complain about her housekeeping. Snoop on her and be jealous of everybody she comes in contact with who is male.

c.       Make the sex horrible.

Avoid sex. Be always busy or exhausted. When you get round to it last only a minute, make no effort to please her. Hint about how unappealing she is becoming. Want sex when she is not in the mood and kick up a stink when she turns you down.

d.      Be a swine

Let your hygiene go. Stink, dress badly. Don’t shower, don’t brush. It sounds extreme, but it’s your life on the line, not mine. When with her in public make a perfect fool of yourself, and insist on always going out with her. Be a swine in both body and manners.  

Also be selfish and stingy. Lavish yourself but only buy her the cheapest gifts you can find.


  Bernard Lugagah

- MyNews24


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