Dorothy Blacks reveals what it takes to enjoy a rich and
satisfying love life.
‘The best way to achieve your dream is to do nothing at all
except wish upon a star.’
This is my favourite motivational quote said by no one ever.
Why? Because everyone knows that if you want to attain your
dream of anything you must put in the time and effort. You have to pitch up and
You gotta learn to communicate and network, upskill yourself
and practice amplifying the positives and learning from the failures.
Seems so obvious, right?
But, while we accept these as truisms, when it comes to sex
too many people behave as if a long-term relationship is a space you can sit
your butt down in, not do a damn thing, and Cupid will bless you with eternal
happiness and a fulfilling sex life.
And if this doesn’t happen?
Well, then there’s clearly something wrong with the
relationship, or it’s not the right partner, or its just life dealing you a
We never assume the most obvious, which is that maybe we’re
just not very good at the task at hand: how to love and sex well.
Also read: How much sex is enough sex?
And maybe we never admit that we aren’t very good because we
just expect stuff to fall into place with that one magical ‘just right’ person.
So we never ‘upskilled’ in the ways necessary to make sex in
a love relationship good: we didn’t learn how to communicate well and honestly,
or how to deal with conflict and failure; we didn’t learn sexy-time skills or
learn healthy boundaries.
It’s the equivalent of sitting on your bed, just
wish-wish-wishing your career dreams will come true.
The truth is, even with your one true love, if you want a
satisfying sex life, you need to make the effort to grow, learn and get
If you understand this, say researchers, you’re more likely
to have a satisfying sex life.
The University of Toronto conducted a study of 1 900 people
looking at how their ‘sexpectations’ around their ‘ideal’ love and sex life
helped or hindered them in maintaining satisfying sex lives.
Those who believed sexual satisfaction came down to finding
a perfectly compatible partner were placed in the ‘sexual destinies belief’
Those who believed it comes from hard work and effort were
placed in the ‘sexual growth belief’ category.
Not surprisingly, the peeps in the ‘sexual growth beliefs’
category ‘experience higher relationship and sexual satisfaction’.
And why not? You reap what you sow et cetera et cetera.
The researchers point out, however, that most respondents
displayed a cross-over in belief systems.
Which is great, since no amount of effort can fix the
problem of zero sexual chemistry or compatibility.
But if you’ve got something good and want the secret to a
great sex life? Make some effort.
Learn skills. Check in. Pitch up. Talk. Get curious. Ask the
difficult questions of yourself and each other. Nothing comes from doing
As that saying goes: ‘The grass is greener where you water
Your sex life is no different.For
the latest on national news, politics, sport, entertainment and more follow us
on Twitter and like our Facebook page.