Annalene Nell shows that for some of us, exercise is not
merely a challenge- it feels like being thrown into a bottomless pit of agony.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I am at my most vulnerable
and insecure when I am trying to exercise.
No makeup, weird tight and unnecessarily colourful clothes,
excessive sweating and trying to do things with my body that I’m not sure it was
designed for. None of these are exactly flattering.
Because of this, I avoid the gym like a dark alley at night.
Okay, if I have to be completely honest, not only do I avoid the gym and other
public exercise places, but I tend to avoid being active altogether.
After spending most of the year being very lazy, I finally
got tired of feeling like a slob, and realised that I HAD to start taking care
of myself a bit better (actually, I had realised this a good while back, but I
put it off, okay?)
So I searched through the drawer of stuff I never use until
I found my old Tae Bo DVD (go ahead and judge – I know everyone else has moved
on to Zumba, but the kickboxing vibe makes me feel empowered).
So I dug to the bottom of my closet for a sports bra and
some loose shorts, and set off on my rather dreaded journey of beating my body
into some semblance of a shape again.
As I ploughed through my first few morning sessions, I
started noticing some repeated thought patterns, and decided to share them, in
case there is someone else out there who shares my feelings about exercise.
This is roughly how it goes:
Also read: Exercise tips for the pathologically lazy
07:00 – Okay, time to do this, so I can get on with my day.
Exercise clothes on, Tae Bo DVD in, aircon at a nice cool temperature.
07:02 – Ouch, I’m still kinda sore from yesterday’s session.
Can I really do this?
07:05 – I am already dying and I’m only like 7% into this
07:06 – Water! How can the people on this DVD not need a
water break already?
07:10 – Hey, a quarter of the session is done! I’m making
07:12 – O god I can see my horrible thigh cellulite when I
bend down for this move.
07:15 – Thank the gods of exercise I’m home alone and no one
can see me try to do this kick.
07:17 – Ooh, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I
look kinda badass doing this punch.
07:18 – Not even halfway yet?! I’m not going to make this.
07:20 – Let me take a quick break and go make the bed while
07:24 – I’m back: let’s finish this!
07:27 – Is this move even possible? I am literally falling
07:30 – My legs are on fire.
07:31 – This bastard promised ‘only 2 more sets’ but now
he’s helping someone at the back and we just have to carry on with this
torturous exercise. We’re at FOUR more sets already!
07:33 – WATER! Pause the DVD and gulp down the elixir of
life while muttering expletives at Billy Blanks with his stupid muscular arms
and positive attitude.
07:36 – Hey, I actually managed to complete this set without
having to pause the DVD!
07:38 – The Joker bust on the bookcase is looking at me and
judging me as I jump and sweat like the pathetic pig that I am.
07:39 – Pause the DVD, drink water. Have a quick cry about
how much I hate this and how I’ll never be thin again and how I wasted my youth
sitting on my butt eating pizza.
07:40 – Start the DVD again, because I’ll hate myself even
more if I don’t finish this.
07:44 – Ouch, will this ever end?
07:45 - The cooldown has started! I made it! O god this
feels good to my aching body. I love Billy Blanks so much!
07:48 – …and bow. I made it. I actually made it. Maybe this
isn’t so bad after all. Time for a shower and a day of not thinking about
chocolate mousse cake (oh crap, too late.)For
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