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Trying to get fit is like some awful nightmare

24 November 2016, 14:16

Annalene Nell shows that for some of us, exercise is not merely a challenge- it feels like being thrown into a bottomless pit of agony.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I am at my most vulnerable and insecure when I am trying to exercise.

No makeup, weird tight and unnecessarily colourful clothes, excessive sweating and trying to do things with my body that I’m not sure it was designed for. None of these are exactly flattering.

Because of this, I avoid the gym like a dark alley at night. Okay, if I have to be completely honest, not only do I avoid the gym and other public exercise places, but I tend to avoid being active altogether.

After spending most of the year being very lazy, I finally got tired of feeling like a slob, and realised that I HAD to start taking care of myself a bit better (actually, I had realised this a good while back, but I put it off, okay?)

So I searched through the drawer of stuff I never use until I found my old Tae Bo DVD (go ahead and judge – I know everyone else has moved on to Zumba, but the kickboxing vibe makes me feel empowered).

So I dug to the bottom of my closet for a sports bra and some loose shorts, and set off on my rather dreaded journey of beating my body into some semblance of a shape again.

As I ploughed through my first few morning sessions, I started noticing some repeated thought patterns, and decided to share them, in case there is someone else out there who shares my feelings about exercise. This is roughly how it goes:

Also read: Exercise tips for the pathologically lazy

07:00 – Okay, time to do this, so I can get on with my day. Exercise clothes on, Tae Bo DVD in, aircon at a nice cool temperature.

07:02 – Ouch, I’m still kinda sore from yesterday’s session. Can I really do this?

07:05 – I am already dying and I’m only like 7% into this session.

07:06 – Water! How can the people on this DVD not need a water break already?

07:10 – Hey, a quarter of the session is done! I’m making progress.

07:12 – O god I can see my horrible thigh cellulite when I bend down for this move.

07:15 – Thank the gods of exercise I’m home alone and no one can see me try to do this kick.

07:17 – Ooh, caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I look kinda badass doing this punch.

07:18 – Not even halfway yet?! I’m not going to make this.

07:20 – Let me take a quick break and go make the bed while I’m recovering.

07:24 – I’m back: let’s finish this!

07:27 – Is this move even possible? I am literally falling over.

07:30 – My legs are on fire.

07:31 – This bastard promised ‘only 2 more sets’ but now he’s helping someone at the back and we just have to carry on with this torturous exercise. We’re at FOUR more sets already!

07:33 – WATER! Pause the DVD and gulp down the elixir of life while muttering expletives at Billy Blanks with his stupid muscular arms and positive attitude.

07:36 – Hey, I actually managed to complete this set without having to pause the DVD!

07:38 – The Joker bust on the bookcase is looking at me and judging me as I jump and sweat like the pathetic pig that I am.

07:39 – Pause the DVD, drink water. Have a quick cry about how much I hate this and how I’ll never be thin again and how I wasted my youth sitting on my butt eating pizza.

07:40 – Start the DVD again, because I’ll hate myself even more if I don’t finish this.

07:44 – Ouch, will this ever end?

07:45 - The cooldown has started! I made it! O god this feels good to my aching body. I love Billy Blanks so much!

07:48 – …and bow. I made it. I actually made it. Maybe this isn’t so bad after all. Time for a shower and a day of not thinking about chocolate mousse cake (oh crap, too late.)

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