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What does a woman's sexual history matter?

06 September 2016, 06:19Bernard Lugagah

I once dated … I mean, a friend of mine once dated a girl who told him of a memorable ex-boyfriend with whom he shared a name.

The ex-boyfriend had just recently died from falling down the staircase of a dingy club while high as a kite. This girl, let’s call her Sella, obliviously went on to share about the world of drugs and alcohol and sex this dude opened up to her. It was at that point that we learnt of the girl’s rich and varied sexual history, during those bad girl days that closed with a regrettable sigh.

We never saw the petite chatty church girl with bright eyes and a charming smile the same way again. My friend, though he loved her, began feeling cheated and increasingly disgusted by the revelations of her past. Foolishly, he probed deeper with the hope of uncovering a record she had not yet broken that could somehow redeem her. But it was utterly useless. All he found were admissions of countless drunken one-night-stands plus other salacious details. That girl’s experience was vast in every way, and quite unmatched by my friend’s previous 11 girlfriends.

My friend felt cheated, disgusted, and inadequate. He never really admitted these feelings to us, only insisting that a girl with such a history was not to be trusted to stay faithful. But we understood his fear that he really did not mean much to a girl who had been able to get off with so many guys. We understood his fear that to her he was probably no more than a human dildo, in a long row of dildos. We felt his envious anger, irrational though it was, that the girl had that much capability to enjoy sex.

So he probed some more, and grew evermore insecure and obsessed. Sella finding herself judged clammed up, regretting ever having opened her mouth. Their fights were frequent. Her protestations that all that was in the past and she was no longer that young or rebellious fell on deaf ears. Her assurances that the quality of what she had with my friend surpassed anything she had ever experienced were met by disbelieving sneers. Short of reversing her past, there was nothing she could have done to redeem herself.

And we felt for her somehow, that she was judged on the basis of the person she no longer was. True, that past showed the person she could be, but it did not determine the person she was going to be. Neither did it mean that a squeaky clean past would insure her against unsuitability. Everything has a first time. It might be better to hook up with a woman who is done with experimenting than take a lady raw with naivety. The former knows a good thing when she sees it. The latter has no darkness against which to gauge the light, and has only to experience the slightest disillusion to wander off in search of something brighter.

In the end, my friend couldn’t just get over it, however much he tried, and they had to break up. While it hurt, I think she was also relieved to be done with the judgment and double standards. And perhaps she wondered, shall it always be like this with every guy I meet?

But I miss Sella… We, that is, miss that little woman. She was quite a lot of fun.

- MyNews24


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