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Divorce and Us

02 August 2012, 10:28

Is it just me or are divorces becoming quite rampant in Nigeria?

These days, it is easy to see people contemplate leaving their marriages for one reason or the other. Does it mean that in the olden days, such things that cause divorces didn’t happen or just that people are becoming stronger by the day to say NO to unfair treatment?

Divorce is not sanctioned by the bible seeing as I am a Christian but there are situations that arise and you can almost hear yourself scream to the person; ‘Get a divorce’.

The idea that marriage is meant forever and whatever happens no matter how bad should be endured is gradually fizzling out especially with the high rate of abuse in marriages these days.

How do you tell a woman whose husband uses as a punching bag daily to stay because of her kids? Kids that may pretty soon have no mother.

How do you tell a man who rapes his own wife and subjects her to sexual ridicule to stay and for how long?

How do you tell a man whose wife snaps when angry wielding any weapon of choice to inflict bodily harm to suffer and smile just for the sake of the union?

How do you tell a woman who is married to a pedophile that has even abused her own daughter to endure a lifetime with him?

These are just a few dilemmas that people are stuck with but does this go to say that I wish them all to get a divorce? What I wish or say does not count because ultimately, the decision lies with the victim.

What I want us to tackle here is the period before the wedding/marriage. People change, yes! But majority are just like that and we failed to look closely before leaping into marriage.

Many of us love so blindly that even when the signs are glaring, we choose to ignore it. The courtship or dating period is meant for us to cross the T’s and dot the I’s so as to be really sure that we want to spend an eternity with a particular person; but sadly, some of us use it to indulge in physical pleasures while ignoring the important factors.

If a man or woman flirted a lot while you were dating, chances are they would continue if not immediately after marriage but when the romance stops ‘shaarking’ them.

If a woman or man was violent during the dating phase, marriage will not give birth to a new person; in fact he/she will do that more knowing you may not run off like you may have before marriage.

If a man refuses to work and lives off a woman, marriage may not instill the discipline in him or turn him into an aspiring Dangote with the wave of the hand.

If a woman is downright lazy during courtship, do not berate her when she turns your home into a pig sty since you made the decision to make her your wife.

If your lady doesn’t know how to boil water during courtship, how realistic is it to expect her to suddenly turn to a splendid cook?

The dating period is one of checks and balances. There are characters that you can lovingly help your intended spouse amend before marriage but there are some that is part and parcel of the person.

You can teach your wife/husband how to cook but can you teach him or her how to hold-back when annoyed to avoid hitting? Maybe you can but I think it is a long way.

Make no mistake, no marriage is perfect and there are some that may survive where others cannot but the bottom-line is, if you choose to go ahead with someone, go the long haul otherwise, opt out when there is still time.

If we all check the person we intend to marry and decide that irrespective of the faults we can cope and not with the mindset that when we get into the marriage we change them, we may just be a step closer to preventing future divorces.

An Igbo adage says “Anaghi amu aka-ekpe na nka” meaning you do not learn how to use the left hand in old age, so we shouldn’t hope to change someone when they have grown that way.

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